1. Defining the Problem

To explore (especially as someone with no such experience) how to concretely find, identify, and confirm an ideal intimate relationship, and how to shape oneself in the process.

2. Starting Point Analysis: The Evolution of Strategy from “Overly Ideal” to “Pragmatic Trade-offs”

I must admit, I once had “naive” and “overly idealized” expectations of love.

Phase 1: Why Was I Like This?

A. Common Psychological Traits of “Mudan” (Those with No Love Experience)
- An Awkward Mentality (The Core!): I found that I (and perhaps many others with no love experience) have a contradictory mindset. On one hand, I saw having no love experience as a “noble” adherence to idealism, using it for self-identification; but on the other hand, I worried deeply whether my inability to “get out of this status” was a “negation of my self-worth.”
  This awkwardness directly led to the coexistence of “high expectations” and “low tolerance for trial and error”! (I want the best, and I’m afraid of failure!)
- Other traits: For example, having extremely high standards for a “perfect” first love; lacking social and emotional practical experience.
B. Reinforcement from Society and Family
- Societal Influence: The cultural romanticization of “perfect love” is everywhere. “Domineering CEO falls for me” and its variants fill film and literature. Although I now find this kind of dependency-colored narrative repulsive and hard to relate to, I must admit my deeper values and views on partnership may still be subtly influenced by it.
  Today, although the ideas in mainstream works are increasingly progressive, love is still often shrouded in a sacred, even distorted, halo. Meanwhile, in real-world discussions outside of these works, many go to the other extreme: completely deconstructing love and marriage using biological and economic models. This split between idealization and absolute rationalization has also deeply affected me. (I plan to write a separate article to sort out this observation.)
- Family Examples: My parents and older brother are all successful cases of “marrying their first love,” which gave me hope.
C. Personal Values
- I would unconsciously and tightly bind “success in love” with “self-worth affirmation.”

Summary: All the factors above jointly shaped an original expectation of “being highly risk-averse and pursuing one-time success.”

Phase 2: Why and How to Make “Trade-offs”? (A Reality Check and Probabilistic Analysis)

A. The Necessity of Trade-offs (“Why”):
- Reality is harsh. Any “idealization” must face the issue of probability. Teaser: I will write an article discussing—does idealism mean nobility, and does realism equal vulgarity?
- Self-Analysis: I realized my previous expectations were constrained by too many external factors and urgently needed reflection, sorting, and adjustment.
B. The New Strategy After Making Trade-offs (“How”):
- Core Goal (Retained): > I’ll confess… deep down, I still hope for “one-time success.”
  
  (As for why I’m so persistent about this, I will analyze it deeply in Part 3. To be continued √)
- Initiation Criteria (Adjusted): I can no longer blindly pursue a vague “perfection.” I decided to set a “probability threshold” to get started.
  - Criterion 1: I estimate the probability of us “making it to the end” is no less than 50% (this number isn’t a rigorous quantitative analysis, but means I want the success rate to be at least better than a coin toss).
  - Criterion 2 (Specific): Meets “sufficient good feelings” + “no obvious deal-breakers” (e.g., if he opposes DINK/adoption, that’s an “obvious deal-breaker”).
- Risk Hedging (New!): I must be psychologically prepared for the possibility that “even a first love can end in heartbreak.” I have to admit, I’m probably not that lucky.
C. The Strategy’s Manifestation (About My “Flag”):
- I previously set a dynamic milestone for myself: “start dating by 25, get engaged by 28.” This isn’t a KPI! It’s just a tool for “dynamic evaluation and review.”
- If I haven’t achieved it by that time, it proves my original “hypotheses” (including my expectations for a partner) need to be adjusted again.

3. Action Blueprint

My action blueprint is divided into 4 stages:

1. Stage 1: Self-Shaping (Becoming the Ideal Partner)
This is always the first priority! I want to become the person I described (in Part 1)!

Role 1 (Teammate): Possess an independent inner world and a stable core.
Role 2 (Manager): Loyal, reliable, and willing to actively invest in the relationship.
Role 3 (Comrade-in-Arms): Able to deeply understand and support a partner’s self-pursuit, shoulder-to-shoulder.

2. Stage 2: Searching Strategy (Creating and Attracting)

Refuse: I won’t participate in mixers that are “overly purposeful.” It’s too hard to show one’s “inner world” in that setting, which doesn’t suit me (not to mention I’m socially anxious).
Choose: I choose to attract like-minded people who “resonate on the same frequency” by “creating and sharing.”
I will choose platforms like Zhihu or Bilibili to output some educational articles and my thoughts on important topics. Even if I don’t attract a partner, I should be able to meet kindred spirits!

3. Stage 3: Identification Phase (The Rational Test from “Good Impression” to “Like”)
Assuming I am fortunate enough to meet a potential partner:

“Good Impression”: The bar is very low. I have a good impression of all kind, excellent “good people.” It may have nothing to do with romantic relationship.
“Like”: Must pass the “post-trade-off” rational test!
- Emotional Trigger: I have a sufficiently high good impression of him, making me desire a romantic relationship.
- Rational Evaluation: Based on the information I can gather (age, family background, relationship history, three-views, etc.), I’ll begin to assess the possibility of “walking towards a future.” (This is the “50% probability” assessment mentioned above).
Decision: Only when both the emotional and rational tests are passed will I define this as “Like” internally and begin subsequent observation.

4. Stage 4: Execution Plan (“Three-Month Confirmation Period”)
Once I confirm I “Like” someone, I will give myself a “three-month” confirmation period.

Purpose 1 (Deep Exploration): To understand his deepest “three views” (worldview, values, view of life), his perspective on his career, and his genuine openness to major issues like DINK/adoption. (This is to verify “no obvious deal-breakers” √)
Purpose 2 (Testing Patience): To confirm my own “Like” isn’t impulsive; and at the same time, to observe if the other person also has the patience to “seriously manage a relationship.”

Personal Preparation:

Internal: I need to start adjusting my lifestyle to make time and energy for a relationship. (I can’t just fill 100% of my time with research and fitness anymore… right? 😭)

External (If the other person hasn’t responded): I must overcome my “social anxiety” and actively pursue them!
(> At that time, I’ll have to think hard about how to “understand their preferences,” “showcase my highlights,” and “not cause them trouble”… This is yet another new problem!)

4. Conclusion

There are still many unresolved questions, such as:

Why do I still pursue “one-time success” so much?
Why do I still want to “get married” (given the premise of DINK/adoption)?
Why do I still want to be “DINK” (given that I accept adoption)?
What was my complete mental journey to arrive at the “trade-off” strategy mentioned above?

I will explore these questions in “Intimate Relationships 3.”

Keep it up! (ง •_•)ง