Introduction: Defining the Problem—The Root of the Pain

It all starts with my recent state of being.

For a long time, I have been tormented by “procrastination” and “anxiety” in turns. Specific manifestations include, but are not limited to: a missed period, more than two consecutive months of sleeping and waking late, severe delays in my main academic research tasks, and “semi-permanent” dark circles and acne.

This state has caused me extreme pain. Reflecting on the root of this pain, I find it’s not just because of approaching deadlines, but because these behaviors have struck at my core—my self-worth and self-identity are in trouble.

I. My Self-Worth Framework: Core Beliefs on Well-being and Meaning

Note: The following is just the current version of my answer; it is very likely to be updated in the future.

To understand this crisis, I must first answer a question: What is my self-worth framework? Or rather, where do my well-being and sense of meaning truly come from?

After some reflection, I found they are built on several core psychological needs:

Creation/Achievement: As a human, I need to feel that I have “actualized” some form of value.
Inquiry/Exploration: I have the curiosity to understand the world and explore the unknown.
Social Connection: I need to build high-quality, deep connections with others, especially intimate relationships.
A degree of Altruism: I hope my existence can bring a small positive contribution to the world.

My self-identity is built precisely on the pursuit of pathways to realize these ideals.

II. Putting Ideals into Practice (Part 1): “Research” and Self-Identity

Based on the ideals above, “academic research” has become one of the core pathways through which I carry my self-worth.

Why research?

It simultaneously satisfies the needs for “Creation/Achievement“ (producing results) and “Inquiry/Exploration“ (exploring the unknown).
The outputs of research, whether knowledge or technology, inherently possess an “altruistic“ quality.

Therefore, I have firmly tied my self-identity to “loving research.” I identify as someone who “loves research,” not just because:

Alignment with Ideals: I recognize the immense value of research in achieving well-being and meaning.
Personal Experience: I genuinely enjoy the pure experience of exploration, learning, and creation that comes with research.
Path Comparison: Compared to other paths, research offers the high degree of freedom, autonomy, and idealism I desire, while also helping me avoid social paths I am not good at or do not wish to enter.

III. Putting Ideals into Practice (Part 2): “Pure Love” and Self-Identity

Parallel to research is my pursuit of “pure love.”

If research primarily carries “Creation” and “Inquiry,” then “pure love” (i.e., a high-quality intimate relationship) is the core pathway for me to carry my ideals of “Social Connection“ and altruism.

Thus, “valuing love” is likewise an indispensable pillar of my self-worth framework.

IV. The Core Conflict: When Practice (Procrastination/Anxiety) Deviates from Ideals

Here’s the problem. After constructing such an “idealistic” self-identity, the reality of my poor performance becomes particularly fatal.

A. Conflict (1): The Self-Identity Crisis in Research

My current state is destroying my self-identity as someone who “loves research” from all sides.

Inconsistency between Behavior and Identity:
Behaviors like “procrastination,” “waking up late,” and “low efficiency” are in serious conflict with my self-concept of “loving research and enjoying hard work” (ironically, “anxiety and procrastination” has always been my personal project, which I am even trying to upgrade into a formal research project). I’m starting to doubt: Am I really someone who “loves research”? Or am I just “avoiding” other social paths?
The Paradox of Anxiety:
The more I care about research, the more I value it, the easier it is to mess it up. Anxiety leads to massive mental friction, preventing me from engaging. This forms a vicious cycle: Caring + Fear -> More Anxiety -> More Procrastination -> More Caring + Fear…
Threat to “Purity”:
Procrastination directly causes slow research progress. In the already “hyper-competitive” (neijuan) world of academia, my talent is already insufficient. If I can’t even guarantee “effort” and “interest,” how can I possibly maintain a “pure” research mindset? Will I be forced to become “utilitarian”?
The Stifling of “Creativity”:
The “creativity” in research desperately needs a relaxed, joyful, and focused state of mind. And “anxiety” is the number one killer of creativity.

B. Conflict (2): The “Love-Struck Brain” Compensation Mechanism and Compounded Anxiety

When “research,” this path to self-worth, is blocked, I instinctively begin to “compensate”—with a “love-struck brain”!

The Trigger:
Whenever research makes no progress, I feel “empty.” The engine revs, sparks fly, but the car doesn’t move. This is a profound “crisis of existence.”
The Compensatory Behavior:
To fill this void, I try to prove my value externally by fantasizing about “being loved by a sufficiently outstanding individual” (e.g., by frantically consuming romantic works, playing out scenarios in my head). I try to use the (false) fulfillment of the “Social Connection” pillar to compensate for the deficiency in the “Creation/Achievement” pillar.
Mechanism Failure:
This compensation mechanism is progressively failing. Not only does it fail to bring satisfaction, but it also triggers more negative emotions: such as jealousy (why don’t I have this?), escapism (I should be doing my real work), and even turning into an obsessive rumination before sleep.
Compounded Anxiety:
Even worse, I already have anxiety about “difficulty in finding a partner.” This anxiety, stacked on top of my research anxiety, has made my overall mental state go from bad to worse.

V. Reaffirming the Path and Rebuilding the Mindset

Having sorted all this out, I see more clearly that the root of my pain is the huge chasm between my “ideal self-identity” and my “underperforming real-world behavior.”

I don’t want to give up my ideals. Therefore, I must reaffirm my path and rebuild my mindset.

A. Reaffirming the Path

I still believe that: “Research/Development + Pure Love“ is my unique, feasible, and worthy path to well-being and meaning.

B. Rebuilding the Mindset: Facing the Challenges

Coping with “Hyper-Competition” (Neijuan) Pressure (Research):
- Mindset: Acknowledge the competition, but don’t get consumed by it. Adhere to the principles of fair competition and cooperation.
- Driving Force: I must return to being “interest-driven” (e.g., my research on well-being) and “ideal-driven,” and resolutely resist the “malicious competition” mentality.
- Strategy: Be as altruistic and cooperative as possible. I believe knowledge and kindness appreciate in value when shared.
Coping with Social Clock Pressure (Pure Love/DINK):
- Break the “Peak-at-30” Myth: Societal anxiety about “shelf life” is a trap (especially since I am aiming for DINK/adoption). Research and life wisdom also rely on “crystallized intelligence” (experience and wisdom), which increases with age.
Prepare for the “Worst Case”:
- Redefine Failure: Delayed graduation, working for a while first, changing directions… none of these are “ultimate failures.” They are either temporary setbacks or just different life options.

VI. To Be Continued

(Part 2) will discuss: The test of self-identity and self-worth brought on by peer pre